Christmas & New Year greetings from the Holmeses...

Christmas Greetings from the Holmeses…..January 1 2010

Hello, hello, hello! Please forgive this general letter but I know you have been panting to know what happened last year to the Holmeses, especially after the earthquake & the shake up all round it gave to the family. What a literal jolt it was.
Luckily, well I don't mean luckily, since Great Aunt Mabel was crushed to death in her Bel Air mansion. However as a result of that unfortunate passing, we all inherited a legacy which paid for our new house as ours too had been totally demolished, but what is most important, it paid for our move to Hell’s Kitchen in glittering New York City. Well, we said, when one door closes, another opens. And cousin Margaret said that it was not as if we were waiting. As she said, a watched pot never boils. She is very direct and shocks some people but maybe she hit the nail on the head, not that any hitting was involved though we were all questioned about the blow to the back of Great Aunt Mabel's skull which may or may not have been caused by a falling piece of concrete during the many tremors of the earthquake. I do admit but just to you that several members of our family could not account for their whereabouts on that fateful night.
Nonetheless, sister Carrie was indefatigable at getting us some extra governmental help for the move. Indeed she seemed on quite familiar terms with the governor and our senators, some said too familiar but I say whatever works, works and one has to use the tools one has. Carrie has the tools in spades, having won several beauty pageants with her lustrous blond hair and stunning model figure. Maybe the Governor and the senators were a teensy-weensy bit fed up with all the letters and emails and faxes and texts as well as the late-night calls and of course those compromising photos which would be dispatched to the press not to mention various family members including already irate wives if the governor and senators didn't' acquiesce to her demands.
Result: we were on the road to the Big Apple. After everything has been settled we were able to get Mother out of rehab. Again. She had a bad lapse slipping back into the booze after discovering that Father was having an affair with Janet. The funny thing is we all love Janet who swam into our ken when she visited us as a social worker. Mark you, she is definitely more social than worker if you understand me. She makes Jennifer Anniston look like a nun. But we love her nonetheless because she is such fun. She told us the deacon in her church made a pass at her and she slapped his wrist. Not that she attends church much nowadays as she is so busy partying and having weekends with Dad.
Billy, my brother who is gay and we all love him for that met divine Ralph from Germany. Ralph is an acoustics expert and working day and night on the restoration of the Alice Tully concert hall. Billy has just said to me that Ralph is not working every night! Oh that Billy!
Beryl (like the semi precious stone she always likes to say) who as you remember is into dance, won a scholarship to study in Moscow and performed in front of Mrs. Putin. Talkative Beryl may have blotted her copybook as she apparently told Mrs. Putin that her gay brother Billy was president of the Mr. Putin fan club. This, she said, did not go down too well and for a while, she was followed about by some sort of Stasi women types. How much power does Mrs. Putin have? I hope she's not like Mrs. Thatcher. But so far Beryl is still in Moscow and not in Siberia.
I of course continue writing my little screeds and give this advice to you all. It’s not what you ought to do but what you want to do that will make you happy and wean you off the anti-depressants. Till next year, keep the flags flying and think of England.